My Mycelium Journey

Lost Dad at 0800 this morning.  There are no words... 

Beta is not short for better... gotta make it betta (beter)....

Don't pinch off your abundance... Enjoy being here. Look for things here that you find enjoyable. Reframe it any way you need to. Own up to how you feel; acknowledge it; Invision where you want to take it. Look for things that are already good. You are the only one keeping you from being happy. I want to be in the room when you think of something you've never thought of before. I want to be around when you have these great ideas.  I want you to feel good about you when I'm anywhere near you.  I can't fix the world. I can only work on how I see the things around me. There is an abundance. The law of attraction... Allow the vibration to establish the desires created. If you aren't ready for what you want; Don't fill in your grid. If it was ready, it would already be a manifested reality. Easy to feel good, like what i see, get thru day, be me, work i want to do, 2 individuals with separate and together projects. certain, secure, real, true, honest, deep, easy, gen...

This is the last email I wrote Dad. I'm not sure if he read it or deleted it.... He was just about off the phone by the time I finally got this sent to him. I mentioned it to him and he said he'd try to find a time where he could read it, but hard when the warden is around all the time. Sent 1/7/2025   Remember that acronym?  Not Safe for Work – Might want to read solo and delete -  there is honesty in here. I miss you so much. I don't feel like we ever got the chance to know each other very well as adults. I was so young and dumb when you moved away, mid 20's will do that to you. I think 30 is about when you start figuring it out. All the projects you worked on and things you invented. I missed out on all that. I can’t understand that on a phone call. It was wonderful getting to solder that one board together. I try to share tidbits, but it’s so hard when we don’t get to see each other. Maybe It’s only your spouse you’re supposed to know… that doesn’t seem right...

I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.  Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.  You are what you do, not what you say you'll do. Where your fear is, there is your task.  Thinking is difficult, Judging is easy. The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you are.  Your ability to create the reality you want is directly correlated with how willing you are to experience its opposite. You have to be ok with being uncomfortable to achieve success.  Hard now or hard later. 

"aren't you going to say goodbye to your dad?" I had my hands full of stuff loading up the truck and car. Why would she offer to help when she can make hurtful passive aggressive statements?  Reminded me of the "leaving so soon" comment she made in front of the reception desk at the hospital. She said this in front of her friends, good. Show them who you are. Of course, I want to spend any time with Dad I can, the only reason I haven't been there this entire time was because she wouldn't allow it. And he didn't want the drama to fight for it. I wanted nothing more than to be bored with Dad, just talk about life, experiences. Struggles, lessons. Nothing, everything.  Cruel... Greedy... Evil... so many adjectives.  She couldn't even look at me when I was getting ready to go after saying goodbye to Dad. I was surrounded by their friends with love and hugs, she had to run off. Can't even be in the same room. Her friends see this and how terrible ...

I can't imagine having to create a reality for a partner such that they always look good, especially when they are nothing short of pure evil.  Constantly reassuring them, even when you probably shouldn't be. Having to re-direct conversations so they are always the center of attention.  Hiding anything that might piss them off as an indication they aren't perfect. Letting it roll off your shoulders when they yell and scream at you in the most disrespectful of ways in front of all your friends. What do you say to a friend when they call out your spouse for treating you like shit? Everyone notices but you are still trying to make this look normal, so she doesn't feel bad. It's all about her. It has to be all about her or there will be hell to pay. How does that help a feedback loop for improvement?  I get told not to make excuses, but so many excuses were made for her terrible behavior.  Your daughter isn't even allowed in your house, and you just go with it? You ...

Stomach agony after 3 bites of food. Lips are peeling and starting to bleed. hurts just to take food off the fork. Hospice nurse says that gets worse until you start choking because you can't swallow. He has the meds ready for when he gets there, but how much is that actually going to help? Miserable and terrified. I guess that is how it ends for all of us.  Why Can't there be a better option for people? Pets don't even have to suffer this much.  He's 70, the government would have preferred he worked up until 3 years ago. Can you imagine? you finally get out of work and then 3 years later... why work? Will I even get to see him when I'm there in 10 days? Spent a fortune mailing grapefruit but sounds like he won't be able to eat that from all the acid on hurt lips. Also got him a local honey with pecans in it from Texas. That would have been his favorite under normal circumstances...  I really just wanted to sit in the room and be bored with him. Just think up id...

AKA Seasonal Affective Disorder Dealing with sadness can be challenging, and it’s important to remember that it’s a natural emotion that everyone experiences at times. Especially this time of year when Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is peaking for some. Here are some strategies that might help: Acknowledge Your Feelings: Allow yourself to feel sad without judgment. Recognizing your emotions is the first step toward processing them. Talk About It: Sharing your feelings with friends, family, or a therapist can provide support and perspective. Sometimes just expressing what you’re feeling can lighten the burden. Engage in Activities You Enjoy: Doing things you love can help lift your mood. Whether it’s reading, painting, playing sports, or watching a favorite show, find what makes you happy. Practice Self-Care: Make sure to prioritize your physical health. This includes getting enough sleep, eating nutritious meals, and engaging in physical activity. Mindfulness and Meditation: Techniq...

Zane stared out the window of his small studio apartment, the remnants of a life filled with pain and loss swirling in his thoughts like the autumn leaves dancing outside. Each leaf fell like a memory, a reminder of the past that he couldn’t seem to escape. At 30, he felt like a ghost wandering through a world that had never quite accepted him. It all started when he was just fifteen. The day he ran away from home was etched in his mind, a vivid flash of his mother’s rage—her voice, a sharp blade that cut through the air; her hands, throwing rocks not only at him, but at his spirit. Zane remembered walking along the roadside, his bike by his side, feeling both liberated and terrified in the middle of the night. Life as he knew it was over, but a classmate named Jake had picked him up, offering him a ride home. In that moment, Zane felt a flicker of hope. Yet, hope was fleeting. The world had a cruel sense of timing. In 2005, only a few months after Zane’s long-time girlfriend, Layl...

Or else....   Low Self-Esteem Adults who were yelled at as children often struggle with low self-esteem. Constant criticism can erode a child’s confidence, leaving them feeling inadequate or unworthy. This insecurity may carry over into adulthood, where they constantly question their abilities and value. Anxiety Being yelled at frequently creates an environment of tension and fear. As adults, these individuals often develop chronic anxiety, feeling constantly on edge or worried about making mistakes, even in situations that don't warrant such stress. Trouble trusting others When children are yelled at, they learn to fear and distrust the people who are supposed to protect and support them. This lack of trust can persist into adulthood, making it difficult to form close, healthy relationships. People-Pleasing Tendencies Adults who grew up with frequent yelling often become people-pleasers. To avoid conflict, they may go out of their way to make others happy, even at the expense...

Transitions can be challenging. What do I even mean, transition? Moving from one thing to another. Maybe something as simple as getting home from work but getting stuck in the car before you go inside. Maybe driving around the block a few extra times before you're able to actually get to the event that is so exciting it got you out of the house in the first place. Hopefully, you didn't get so overwhelmed you skipped entirely.  The hardest part is showing up.  Going to a party is also a great example, showing up and leaving are both transitions here. Walking into a crowded room is daunting. So, I've always thought it was best to show up early before everyone else gets there. Introductions tend to be more one on one, which is much easier to do. Then the other aspect of the transition is leaving the party. Ugh. Almost as hard as showing up at all.  I don't want to be the first person there or the last to leave, but all too often the overthinking starts... hard to get there...

"abusive malignant alcoholic narcissist piece of shit"  Couldn't have said it better myself... those weren't even my words.  I have friends that love me and don't want my family abused. Thankful for that.  I don't want her to be meaner, I'm scared to call APS. But I do worry about Dad.... Very sad call from Dad today.  He wants me there.  He wants to have Christmas together.  His last Christmas... seems reasonable.  Mentioned the empty room upstairs.  Hard to hear dad crying he wants to see me and the only thing keeping me from being there is a controlling monster that is full of hate he married. He remembered me saying I thought he was moving too fast...  Narcissistic love bombs can be misleading...  Told me to take the car when we come because she won't even let Chris take him for joy rides anymore. 

The only thing you can do in a country that doesn't prioritize Healthcare is to self medicate.  We are only getting sicker...

Issues that haters experience...   1. They’re drowning in their own insecurities. Hateful people often project their insecurities onto others because it’s easier than dealing with their own flaws. If they feel inadequate, they’ll tear someone else down to feel superior. Deep down, they’re terrified of being exposed for who they really are—a person who doesn’t feel good enough. Hate becomes their armor, but it’s a weak shield. 2. They can’t let go of past pain. Unresolved trauma can fester into bitterness and resentment, fueling a cycle of anger and hate. Instead of seeking healing, they cling to their pain as an identity. It’s like they’re trapped in the past, lashing out at the world for what happened to them. Forgiveness could set them free, but they refuse to embrace it. 3. They fear losing control over others. Hate is often a power play, a way for them to feel in control when their life feels chaotic. By intimidating or demeaning others, they create the illusion of dominance. B...

Hard to clot with low platelets 😳

  1. Issues are never resolved People learn to either avoid conflict (and never deal with it) or learn they must always win the conflict and live with the fear of losing. Neither "all or nothing" ways of conflict resolution are helpful. 2. The degree of control is abnormal An analysis of family relationships in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows how some degree of control is normal, like setting curfews, asking them to dress appropriately, setting rules about phone use, snacks or meal times, and so on. But in dysfunctional families, the parents go far beyond the norm. They may try to control every aspect of their kids' lives, limiting socialization with peers, setting unreasonable rules, and never allowing their kids to have a voice in the home. Their kids will struggle to become independent adults. They may have a range of issues in adulthood, from poor attachment styles to profound self-doubt and problems with authority. — Gloria Brame, Ph.D., Therap...

Somethings are outside of my control, but I am still able to see and focus on so many wonderful things that I did get to share with my father. This post will likely be updated as I think of new things to add. No one is perfect, but if I could pick a Dad I'd still pick the one I got. If we could go around again, I think we'd both probably change some things. But my love for him wouldn't change a bit and it hasn't. I can't believe you could teach me how to ride a bike. It's even more shocking that you could ride along with me and record a video of it at the same time. How is that even possible? My dad is a superhero. On January 1st, 1987 (1991?), Dad and his friend, Glenn Iltis pour the slab to my playhouse in the backyard. This was one of the most special things that was ever made for me. All those times cleaning the closet. You know, they say messy workspaces are a sign of intelligence. I guess it depends on who you ask. The internet will tell you anything you w...

I am upset with all that is going on, I think it speaks to how much I love him. Hard to overlook all the hate from one source that is keeping us apart at this time. He's got a point; it is so miserable being unwanted there and that's not going to change, unfortunately.  You really want the best for the people you love. You assume things will work out and that they are making the best decisions for themselves. Maybe it's my fault for not saying something sooner. I knew at the time jumping into something that fast after a mentally ill wife for 28 years might not be optimal. No therapy, No time to reconnect to inner self and redefine values or boundaries. Starting from a compromise is always more challenging. I don't know of any others that he dated. He mentioned a couple dates... but never serious enough to meet? no second date? Dating is hard, rejection sensitives pop up and they can be ugly. those inner dialogues that seek and destroy.  Maybe that would have been a good...

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C_qveBqsrCB/?igsh=MXFvaHZqeGw3aTMybw==

It was hard to hear "enjoy your family" from Dad on Thanksgiving day. I'm not wanted where he is at, so any sort of last holiday is forbidden by Terrible. I am not welcome for Dad's last Christmas. I'm not even allowed in the house (only the basement to pick up dad's "junk") next time we go. We did get authorization to use one particular bathroom, there isn't one in the garage, so gotta get bit by dogs getting to that one bathroom... She says I'm greedy but she's the one taking all of dad's time. Whatever she can do to make it harder for me, she'll do it!  I can't think of anything more selfish or cruel. That was my thanksgiving... Trying not to cry at the beach and ruin it for my real family (the family that can tolerate my existence). I am thankful for them.  Today dad mentioned that the lady he is giving his water controller panel patent to is coming to visit. This is a total stranger. I'm not wanted there, but some ran...

Lack of action is a decision. Control issues Pissed he bought car with his money  Pissed he went on vacation with his daughter (she was invited) Was upset about something I wore to her event, not thankful i showed up at all (why the fuck did i go?!) Has 3 ex-husbands SHE DIDN'T WANT KIDS - ESPECIALLY YOUR KID! Dad hate horses, she got horses. didn't want to have dogs, she trains her dogs to be aggressive and wants large dogs Is unable to play games, because her sisters would win at games when she was a young child. Dad's life and main hobby is pinball. that is technically a game. She hates pinball.  is unable to enjoy anything if it isn't about her I'm not sure she enjoys anything. quite miserable to be around She can't figure out how to work a TV remote  hates so much. It's not just me! Friends drink too much of her wine and don't share, sometimes the topics aren't centered around terrible enough, etc. Alcoholic Mean Demands help and immediate atten...

 We arrived at the beach for Thanksgiving holiday Sunday evening.  Dad brought up the car again.... on picking up the "junk" in the basement. my gifts from father must be picked up before March 31st or everything is auctioned. I thought he wanted me to have these things. I had a truck ready when we were there last and he said don't take. We spent hours packing up that game for Didn't get deposit back and now I'm getting shit on for not planning enough. It is 100% impossible do to anything that is right enough for terrible. I guess I have to make another trip to get the car later. This is supposed to be after he's gone. I really don't want to come all the way back just to get the car. It's not like I get to visit or see dad. Even for the pinball pickup, he has to get down to the basement if he wants to see us because that is the only space we are authorized. It's not like these trips are easy. We aren't even allowed into the house (except for th...

Ethical dying reform needs to be expedited.  It's ridiculous what we are expected to go thru here.  I can spare my dog from suffering but not myself or my father (when dying of cancer,  as an example)... How is that ok?  How many more times is Dad going to say he wants to get out of here quickly?   I'm not a welcome visitor,  unfortunately.  I do very much appreciate the recent time with him and extra chatting.  Lucky in so many ways to have these memories despite missing so many years and being denied at this time.  I made him a bracelet,  it says "Joy loves Clayton". He's changed my name on email so that there's less hate associated to it.  Dissociation at its finest.  She's poisoning the idea of me in my father.  Terrible. I can't think of anything that would hurt worse.  Not sure I'll be able to give him the bracelet,  terrible would be so upset if it got any positive accolades. (Crochet picc sweaters in...

The difference between "hurt" and "truth" is 1 additional "T".

Ads are so fucked up. There's never been anything more uncomfortable than "home". Why do I ever "want to go home"? Why do Alzheimer's patients always want to go home, but have such trouble finding it? 

Establishing and asserting boundaries can be challenging, especially if you’re not used to doing so. Here are some steps to help you start setting and asserting your boundaries: Steps to Start Asserting Boundaries: Self-Reflection: Take time to understand your feelings, needs, and limits. Journaling can help clarify what your boundaries are and why they matter to you. Identify Your Boundaries : Determine which areas of your life need boundaries. This could include emotional, physical, time-related, or material boundaries. Communicate Clearly: Once you identify your boundaries, communicate them clearly and assertively. Use “I” statements to express your needs (e.g., “I need some time alone to recharge”). Practice Assertiveness: Start small by asserting boundaries in low-stakes situations to build your confidence. Gradually work your way up to more significant boundaries. Stay Consistent: Consistency is key. If you set a boundary, stick to it. This reinforces your commitment to maint...

I remember a time when I was 7; I don't remember much from childhood, but this memory stands out. I was laying down on the bottom bunk bed in my room where I grew up. I was talking with dad, I don't remember what about, but I remember being upset and saying, "I hate myself; I wish I didn't exist!" Mom overheard this and went and got a serrated knife from the kitchen and handed it to me. I can still see the knife. Wooden handle, blade was about 5 inches. A steak knife.  At this point I was pretty young, and I don't think I fully understood what to do with the knife. Mom didn't show me what to do or how to use it. I think I knew it was something with wrists, I considered stabbing myself with it but inevitably wussed-out. That's not something you do in front of other people, or I didn't feel right at the time. But I kind of wish I had tried. What would she have done? If I did well, how would she have explained this at the hospital? If I'd tried a ...

 more relevant than ever...  Actions speak louder than words.  Reference: "I love you" does not sound the same as "Please don't come visit me when I'm dying, I don't want to deal with the drama." "I'll try to be dead before you come to pick up the stuff (if you don't get the stuff before March 31, selling it)".  You made your bed, now lie in it.  Reference: Sorry, Dad. This one sucks, you enabled this for 20 years and made it worse. Treat others how you want to be treated.  Reference: Home for the holidays. No Man is an Island. Reference: All the times I offered to help that she wouldn't accept. She's going mental trying to keep up with all the things dad was taking care of for her.  There's no place like home. Reference: House of hate. Familiarity breeds contempt. Reference: Dad living the dream.

Joy sat on her bed, staring out the window at the snow gently falling outside. It was Christmas Eve, and the world looked like a winter wonderland, but inside her heart, there was only a heavy fog of sadness. It had been nearly two decades since her father, Clayton, had married Joni and moved far away. In that time, their once-close bond had grown distant, frayed by Joni’s coldness and the miles that separated them. As a child, Joy had adored her father. Clayton was her hero, always there to share stories, teach her to ride a bike, and show her how to build things with his own hands. But when Joni entered the picture, everything changed. She had a sharp tongue and a cold demeanor, and it quickly became clear that she did not want Joy in their lives. Clayton, caught in a web of love and obligation, moved away and allowed Joni to dictate the terms of their relationship. Joy longed for her father, but every attempt to reach out was met with Joni’s icy disapproval. “You’re where you need t...

Maybe it's a good thing Drew didn't have to meet mom.  There's plenty of drama just with Dad,  ironic that.  Failed boundary established from conflict avoidance has led to,  as much, if not more drama.   I don't even know how to feel.  Thankful for Drew. Everything hurts.  And now we're in a rush to plan things for the after that hasn't happened.   Dates and times must be pre-approved by the sadist. this is going to be fun.  Life on #hardmode

It really is hard to keep things in perspective.  I don't understand. Heart hurts, am I breaking?  Update 11/22/2024: now I have to be there before March 31st or Dad's legacy pinball collection gets auctioned off.  such sad. 

 Oh yea... Terrible. Dad dying, worried about his stuff getting where he wants it to go.  So I'm not really sure why, but Dad keeps insisting that we need better plans for picking up pinball games after he is gone. I'm not sure why he feels like he needs to worry so much about this when he should be enjoying his last bit of time here. I have a feeling that it's not actually him that is all that concerned.  Drew asked him if we should plan another visit which was quickly met with a "NO, everyone is where they need to be". This hurt. It hurts to know that your dying father doesn't want to see you because he married such a sadist that you aren't allowed to exist without conflict. If you loved something, wouldn't you want to see it?  If someone really loved you, wouldn't they tolerate your children for you during your period of last wishes? Why would anyone do such horrible things only to hurt others? Even with such distance between us she's still ...

I think we need more abortions, not less.... I can think of a few that might have been helpful to society as a whole. Bummer about the election.  At least we'll be rich when we get sick and die without proper health coverage.  We'll have more money to go to probate when we do die, I guess...  Why are babies given such priority? Babies are so worthless. They grow up to be parasites just like the rest of us. Miserable mean people seem to live forever.