SmEYEles (Smiles)

 I don't know that I've ever met anyone that could smile with their eyes like Dad could. 

Or look 20 well into their 40's...

He only looked like an old man the last 4 months of his life, and really it was just after the Chemo. That was so wrong for him. I know who pushed that on him and how much he suffered thru that. 

Also realizing so many things that I would have liked to ask about or talk to him about but it wasn't possible with the warden. Just stress and panic when visiting hours would get cut short abruptly. Realizing it wasn't all just about getting to know Dad, but wanting Dad to know who I was. will never get to show him who I am. 

How can I help others keep from being abused like Dad was? There has to be a way to help. He kept suggesting abused spouse charity, but that's just hoping someone else will do good things with your donation. It's very specific. There has to be away to get empowerment back to the victim after being abused. Or just recognizing the start of it to avoid it or start therapy, or an exit strategy enacted. How did this even start for Dad? Was there abuse before Mom? Had he been around a Narcissist before in the family? What drew him to Mom? Why did he feel he had to submit for so many years? He feared loosing his kid, kept him with mom. But why did he think that was so finite. 

I haven't been thru his writings, still hurts so much. There could be clues. I hope it's not all just about external stuff. Maybe he has some journals. I'm getting closer just need some time...

I know there is a draw to find "home". Return to what you are familiar with; whatever abuse that may be... Why did he ever accept this type of treatment and not feel like he deserved better? 

Why do I do this same crap? I've been in the wrong career my whole life but just don't trust myself to make the jump to the unknown? Why was Dad proud of me for staying in jobs I don't like and have no meaning for me (Some of the jobs have been quite damaging)?