Memories - the shelf that broke the camel's back

 Memories fade, so write them down before you forget...

I think I remember the instance when Dad helped that one time that was one time too many. He came over to help me install a shelf in the entry way at my place. I was worried I wouldn't do it correctly, find the stud and what not. Took maybe an hour. He wasn't allowed to stay long, he had to run back to the boss. That leash was always so tight, I still don't know how he was ever able to breathe.

It was soon after this that they were looking at places to move to. They looked in New Mexico, maybe Colorado. I think they liked New Mexico, but Terrible was worried about water drying up. Or was it that New Mexico is too close to Texas? I didn't put it together then... It wasn't just the car being moved off the property so that dad could host horses (he hated horses - biggest fights between mom and dad). It was all an attempt to get me out of his life. 

No wonder the hate intensified at the end. She could tell that Dad loved me and that she wasn't going to be able to "break" him of that. He still wanted to be with me. She knew why he cried so much, not being able to see his only child at the end. All those messages of truth he deleted so that she wouldn't be hurt. Sometimes you need to know what you are doing is wrong so that you can make adjustments. Or check yourself into a psych ward because you are a threat to yourself and others. whatever. 

you really don't gain all the clarity until it's over. How sick Mom really was and how tormented Dad was. I had no idea. There's just no way to help if you don't know how bad it is. How badly Dad needed help after that horrible marriage to mom so he wouldn't just go right back into the same patters and end up dealing with the same torment.  I was raised in that. I can't help but wonder what our relationship would have been like if we would have been allowed to see each other. or if Dad would have been allowed to leave to do the things he wanted to do in life. What would he have chosen to do? How badly he wanted to visit me, he bought that car so he wouldn't have to fly. I think he was seeing it at the end, how hard it was for him to give up the car. His back up escape and safe place. 

I'm not sure I'll ever believe the "I fell in the garage" black eye story. 

At least she is drinking again... I still wonder what happened and what was so bad that Dad had to beg her to stop for his remaining 3 weeks. How do you fight and be so mean to someone dying of cancer? 

People change. But YOU can't change anyone; only self. 

"Maybe she'll turn human" friends would say. She hasn't yet. She's getting "icy" towards her friends which sounds like the wrong direction. Friends are realizing that Dad was the interesting one; Terrible just wanted to not be drunk alone. 

Was all that negative energy the source of Dad's cancer? her vibration is so off its toxic.

My dad was amazing. He deserved to be loved and cherished. Dying of cancer he knew and understood that the dogs were getting better treatment. He was the "mouse being tormented by the cat" - his words. 

There's a lesson in here. Listen to messages.