NSFW - The last letter i wrote him

This is the last email I wrote Dad. I'm not sure if he read it or deleted it.... He was just about off the phone by the time I finally got this sent to him. I mentioned it to him and he said he'd try to find a time where he could read it, but hard when the warden is around all the time. Sent 1/7/2025 

 Remember that acronym?  Not Safe for Work –

Might want to read solo and delete -  there is honesty in here.

I miss you so much. I don't feel like we ever got the chance to know each other very well as adults. I was so young and dumb when you moved away, mid 20's will do that to you. I think 30 is about when you start figuring it out. All the projects you worked on and things you invented. I missed out on all that. I can’t understand that on a phone call. It was wonderful getting to solder that one board together. I try to share tidbits, but it’s so hard when we don’t get to see each other. Maybe It’s only your spouse you’re supposed to know… that doesn’t seem right.  I’ve seen other people with their kids. They get along. They do stuff together. The spouses tolerate the kids. They can go inside the house. Never heard of anyone being banished forever for using an instapot before…  She didn’t apologize for ruining that Christmas, but she certainly did most if not all the damage. She didn’t even have to come up with an excuse, she just blamed us for it; Ever the narcissist. Why did I try so hard to include her?  It’s been like this the entire time. If all attention isn’t on her, LOOK OUT.  She won’t learn from this behavior, we all tried to appease her. Even her friends just try to swallow their pride around her. They even try sticking up for you on occasion. Don’t do anything to piss her off or ELSE! Or else what? She gets feedback that helps her to shape her behavior into something more… human? I can think of worse things… like enabling this shit.  I shouldn’t have tried so hard to kiss her ass this whole time. Drew was fuming when I put that gift in there for her.  “She doesn’t deserve anything after the way she’s treated you and your dad…  your beautiful crochet pieces, she’s just going to throw them away”. I retorted with “it’s just nice to get something to open for Christmas”. I think I was hurting still from my own christmas this year. Remember all those shopping trips trying to find the perfect purse for her? It’s a crochet bag,  hope she can use it thought it would be perfect for horseback ridding. But it’s a gift, so she can do with it as she likes. Including trash it, but I’d  suggest donate first… It’s a nice and functional piece!

She needs to know this behavior is unacceptable. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR THIS. This shit she’s doing to us is worse and meaner than anything I’ve ever seen. What is more greedy than stealing my father’s last time on this earth? My only parent, my only real family left. She already took you for so long, and now all that’s left.  I’m only allowed to come up there because you want me to have things and she doesn’t want to deal with me later. The look of horror as I tell people what’s she’s done; their faces literally distort. “how could anyone keep a child and a parent apart at a time like this?!”  I know others have some dysfunction… but this takes the cake.  Every horrible interaction I’ve had to endure with her to date.  It might feel different from your side, maybe you can see it if you take a step back and just look. How hard I’ve tried, how much she hasn’t. I know you are getting fuzzy. I know you don’t want to hear about this. I really wanted some time with you. I’m devastated she took that from me. Was so excited I could finally see you in hospital. It sucked. Hospitals suck. But I could actually get to you there (until she forced you to kicked us out and then made snarky comments to us when she was coming in in front of the reception area). I know you don’t want to hear about this.  Here’s where you say…. “What do you want me to do about it now?” You got her to stop drinking, you really think she’s too weak to be nice? I think it just feels good to be understood. I’ve had trouble understanding my emotions and feelings my whole life. I don’t know that I *need* you to do anything, but just relate to me and understand what I’m going thru. Just trying to be open. This has caused so much grief and suffering on my end. She will never see it so it won’t ever be real to her. But doing things just to cause pain in others isn’t a healthy thing…

My career is more a testament that i don't value myself or what i believe in. I’ve struggled with self worth my entire life. This has gone to some very dark places and there have been some close calls.  Sucking it up at work and being that round peg forcing itself thru the square peg no matter how bad it hurts for so many years.  I've never felt validated enough in myself to do what i wanted. I wanted a break after college, but I was offered a job. Be silly not to take it, right? Just do what I’m supposed to do… work, get better job? Money as a sign of success? Then what? You just spend it all on healthcare and die anyways. Will I even live long enough to use any retirement funds I’ve done so well to save?  supposed to work for some asshole for 40+ hours a week and then get a better job. I have to be successful because being me is not enough.  There’s no where to run if things don’t work out. I knew I was never truly welcomed at your house… her house. I wish you knew me better, but forced distance kept us apart. The struggles and the feats i have been thru. What I’ve made it thru. The resilience… I don’t even know how you’d have a perspective of who I even am based on the tiny tidbits you’ve seen.  I’ve changed and grown so much, but seems I’m just some vegan nazi kid still. Sometimes you go a bit over the top when you find something to believe in (i.e. born again Christians). That doesn’t make it any less right, but you can adjust how you present it. I’ve never had anything else that I knew was correct, and for that reason I’ll likely continue to hold space for this. My existence should not cause harm to others. 

Still trying to gag food down today. feel so sad there’s no appetite. Trying the smallest potato I could find. I remember you saying that was your favorite vegetable. So much versatility. Right on that one, no doubt! That was at the kitchen table at either the liberty hill house or the first neighborhood we moved to in austin. I just remember where you were sitting and you saying that. 

so worried about this visit. getting everything right. Trying to sneak in time with you.  Can you imagine if Carlos was like  "hang tight" don't come see your mom after she got beat up in hospital - how that feels? “No, you can't come inside the house you are only allowed in the basement and can only use this one particular toilet. Count your blessings, we aren’t going to sick the dog on you”. I know not to ask her for a ride from the airport, I know we aren’t welcome to stay there even though it’s freezing and we’re going to have to find  a room to rent for one night..  Gram and Carlos invited her with open arms, she just didn’t want to be there. Getting to know your mom is a little like getting to know you. I’m all for getting to know Drew’s mom, trying to get up there to visit. We kept saying Carlos was grumpy/mean…  But was he? Mary Ann was allowed in the house, she just couldn’t bring her dogs. He’s not the best example, he wasn’t as good as he could have been. But even he didn’t take it to this level… 

I tried calling the tax office, but they had the wrong number on their website and it was automated. Wasn’t able to go wait there in person. Try again tomorrow. Drew says I’m so stressed and not to worry about it. We have a trailer for a reason and that everything is going to be fine.

Drew saying he just pulled something in his back. That’s not even what I was worrying on the trip. I hadn’t even thought of this. I sure hope he gets that back in check. Seems like there’s a weather emergency every time we go up there. I just hope we can use the car when we are there before we have to trailer it.

Maybe there’s a book in the making with a very good cause at the end of it.

I love you so much Dad. I know you hate drama and conflict, but this stuff eats at me. I wanted to be bored with you and talk to you. Just enjoy your presence. Boredom brings the best ideas. Think of things that might be fun to work on or just entertain you somehow. I think you’d know I’d be good at it. I thought so long on that fountain, felt like I cracked some code with getting that into the hospital. Impressed those that walked in; That felt so good. Worked so hard on those crochet picc coats. I was up til 3am at least a couple nights making those for you. Quite a few hours on hats preceding that. I was so happy that I could create something that helped and was useful. When you smiled at me in approval my heart sang.  I felt like I was floating. I wish I could get more feelings like that, I do not get them in the day to day here. I struggle at work and in relationships, there’s no “atta boy” or whatever they say for girls…

Maybe this is self worth talking again. Trying to justify my worth with acts of service and gifts. I’m a good foot rubber, puppeteer, poi spinner, pinball player. Even just sit with you and crochet. There’s something relaxing just being around someone crocheting. Talk about the sounds we here. Or just whatever thought pops in our heads. I love that we can sit together and be quiet. That’s almost impossible to find in someone.

Cried so much writing this. It’s only because I love you and it just hurts thinking of all the time we missed out on. I know, focus on the positives. The wonderful time we had. It’s been so hard, mom was mean and then it just switched to the new mean.

So disrespectful to grandma too, always running out doing stuff that’s more important than spending time with your mom. And I’m in trouble for only going to the memorial for hers. She didn’t even want to spend any time with grandma… when you got her to go.

I just wanted some time to relax with you. Just be… Not feel so rushed I can’t think straight and then have a panic attack when the gate goes off when she comes back because my predetermined visitation time is up.

I’m sorry this came out as not 100% positive, but there is positivity in it. Thoughts on paper, some hurt more than others. I miss you; this hurts. I love you so much - Yesterday, Today, and Forever. You’re my Dad.  I’m so thankful for all the time with you.

 

Wow, over 3 hours to write this. I better sign off it’s already after 10!

 

LY

Renee