My Life as a Nightmare

I can't imagine having to create a reality for a partner such that they always look good, especially when they are nothing short of pure evil.  Constantly reassuring them, even when you probably shouldn't be. Having to re-direct conversations so they are always the center of attention.  Hiding anything that might piss them off as an indication they aren't perfect. Letting it roll off your shoulders when they yell and scream at you in the most disrespectful of ways in front of all your friends. What do you say to a friend when they call out your spouse for treating you like shit? Everyone notices but you are still trying to make this look normal, so she doesn't feel bad. It's all about her. It has to be all about her or there will be hell to pay. How does that help a feedback loop for improvement?  I get told not to make excuses, but so many excuses were made for her terrible behavior. 

Your daughter isn't even allowed in your house, and you just go with it? You cry at your daughter when you think of the empty room upstairs in the house you built, but she's not allowed to stay in your house because she used an instapot 2 years ago.  How is your daughter ever supposed to have any self worth if you show her she's not worth fighting for? I can't imagine the friends think this is normal. But you still try, make comments about how all other families have issues like this, just not as severe. I don't think that's true. I don't think every family is this dysfunctional. Those poor people that are devastated by their jerk brother-in-law that didn't pay for his share at christmas dinner... you have no idea...

She should be aware of every horrific action she's done so that she can learn from these, not just expect everyone to cower in fear because she might go nuts on them.  I can't imagine the energy this takes. Especially when you are dying of cancer.

How do you learn it's not ok to be so mean to people if they just enable it? 

All the red flags under the sun are screaming the relationship isn't fine, she's sick. She needs attention... but from a qualified professional. 

How exhausting it must be to delete all the texts, emails, messages that detail what is actually happening because you worry it might upset your spouse. Truth hurts. But in all fairness, if she saw what a monster she was and was made aware of the problem she might be able to start trying to fix herself.

He can't even ask her what she wants me to think of her he's so scared of her. 

STOP ENABLING BAD BEHAVIORS!