My Mycelium Journey

Lost Dad at 0800 this morning.  There are no words... 

Beta is not short for better... gotta make it betta (beter)....

Don't pinch off your abundance... Enjoy being here. Look for things here that you find enjoyable. Reframe it any way you need to. Own up to how you feel; acknowledge it; Invision where you want to take it. Look for things that are already good. You are the only one keeping you from being happy. I want to be in the room when you think of something you've never thought of before. I want to be around when you have these great ideas.  I want you to feel good about you when I'm anywhere near you.  I can't fix the world. I can only work on how I see the things around me. There is an abundance. The law of attraction... Allow the vibration to establish the desires created. If you aren't ready for what you want; Don't fill in your grid. If it was ready, it would already be a manifested reality. Easy to feel good, like what i see, get thru day, be me, work i want to do, 2 individuals with separate and together projects. certain, secure, real, true, honest, deep, easy, gen...

This is the last email I wrote Dad. I'm not sure if he read it or deleted it.... He was just about off the phone by the time I finally got this sent to him. I mentioned it to him and he said he'd try to find a time where he could read it, but hard when the warden is around all the time. Sent 1/7/2025   Remember that acronym?  Not Safe for Work – Might want to read solo and delete -  there is honesty in here. I miss you so much. I don't feel like we ever got the chance to know each other very well as adults. I was so young and dumb when you moved away, mid 20's will do that to you. I think 30 is about when you start figuring it out. All the projects you worked on and things you invented. I missed out on all that. I can’t understand that on a phone call. It was wonderful getting to solder that one board together. I try to share tidbits, but it’s so hard when we don’t get to see each other. Maybe It’s only your spouse you’re supposed to know… that doesn’t seem right...

I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.  Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.  You are what you do, not what you say you'll do. Where your fear is, there is your task.  Thinking is difficult, Judging is easy. The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you are.  Your ability to create the reality you want is directly correlated with how willing you are to experience its opposite. You have to be ok with being uncomfortable to achieve success.  Hard now or hard later. 

"aren't you going to say goodbye to your dad?" I had my hands full of stuff loading up the truck and car. Why would she offer to help when she can make hurtful passive aggressive statements?  Reminded me of the "leaving so soon" comment she made in front of the reception desk at the hospital. She said this in front of her friends, good. Show them who you are. Of course, I want to spend any time with Dad I can, the only reason I haven't been there this entire time was because she wouldn't allow it. And he didn't want the drama to fight for it. I wanted nothing more than to be bored with Dad, just talk about life, experiences. Struggles, lessons. Nothing, everything.  Cruel... Greedy... Evil... so many adjectives.  She couldn't even look at me when I was getting ready to go after saying goodbye to Dad. I was surrounded by their friends with love and hugs, she had to run off. Can't even be in the same room. Her friends see this and how terrible ...

I can't imagine having to create a reality for a partner such that they always look good, especially when they are nothing short of pure evil.  Constantly reassuring them, even when you probably shouldn't be. Having to re-direct conversations so they are always the center of attention.  Hiding anything that might piss them off as an indication they aren't perfect. Letting it roll off your shoulders when they yell and scream at you in the most disrespectful of ways in front of all your friends. What do you say to a friend when they call out your spouse for treating you like shit? Everyone notices but you are still trying to make this look normal, so she doesn't feel bad. It's all about her. It has to be all about her or there will be hell to pay. How does that help a feedback loop for improvement?  I get told not to make excuses, but so many excuses were made for her terrible behavior.  Your daughter isn't even allowed in your house, and you just go with it? You ...

Stomach agony after 3 bites of food. Lips are peeling and starting to bleed. hurts just to take food off the fork. Hospice nurse says that gets worse until you start choking because you can't swallow. He has the meds ready for when he gets there, but how much is that actually going to help? Miserable and terrified. I guess that is how it ends for all of us.  Why Can't there be a better option for people? Pets don't even have to suffer this much.  He's 70, the government would have preferred he worked up until 3 years ago. Can you imagine? you finally get out of work and then 3 years later... why work? Will I even get to see him when I'm there in 10 days? Spent a fortune mailing grapefruit but sounds like he won't be able to eat that from all the acid on hurt lips. Also got him a local honey with pecans in it from Texas. That would have been his favorite under normal circumstances...  I really just wanted to sit in the room and be bored with him. Just think up id...