Happy Thanksgiving.... survived

It was hard to hear "enjoy your family" from Dad on Thanksgiving day. I'm not wanted where he is at, so any sort of last holiday is forbidden by Terrible. I am not welcome for Dad's last Christmas. I'm not even allowed in the house (only the basement to pick up dad's "junk") next time we go. We did get authorization to use one particular bathroom, there isn't one in the garage, so gotta get bit by dogs getting to that one bathroom...

She says I'm greedy but she's the one taking all of dad's time. Whatever she can do to make it harder for me, she'll do it!  I can't think of anything more selfish or cruel. That was my thanksgiving... Trying not to cry at the beach and ruin it for my real family (the family that can tolerate my existence). I am thankful for them. 

Today dad mentioned that the lady he is giving his water controller panel patent to is coming to visit. This is a total stranger. I'm not wanted there, but some random lady that is being given dad's business is welcome to come. She was a stranger before this. Strangers are more welcome than family. He's excited to see her. I wish dad could be excited to see me or want to share a business idea with me. I would love to have gotten to work on something with dad.  We never seriously talked about me taking over the water business because I never was able to get close enough to understand it. I couldn't visit, I can't go see what it is or how it works. I have been so unwelcome with Terrible around since that car moved. That's when she took all power and control. She's done everything she could to keep me out and try to distance dad from me. It was her house once that car left, and she made it very clear in every instance that she didn't like me or want me around. I am still not sure how this was/is not a flag for dad. He holds on to this idea that we were going to be a family, but the hate that persisted in the cancer that IS Terrible never swayed. I guess he didn't ask her if she wanted to have family together. seems like you should set the terms of the relationship first... She is loyal to her hate more than anything else.

How do you even come up with shit like this to hate someone over 15 years for. Wearing the wrong outfit to an event they went to for you to show support...  and all she saw is the outfit? I wish I wouldn't have gone to her event; I only went to support her. She never showed any interest in what I was doing or any events I was involved in. Strangers are better accepted than family. Probably because true colors come out eventually. Mom had the same problem. Had to make new friends because people would find out how bad she was. run run run. Mom moved every year, because everyone was after her.

Terrible's mean to me, does mean things, says mean things to dad, and tries to convince him that I'm always in the wrong. Took my father from he and convinced him that I am not worthy to be there with him or get any of this last bit of time. I can't think of anything more selfish. Why did I ever try? why do I still "play nice"? Was she too evil to get the cancer? She was depressed and wanted to die, drinking herself as dad described it. She was obviously more deserving with her words and actions. The story of his life, he wrote basically praises Terrible as the love of his life due to fear of her not liking it if she wasn't the hero of the story. How cloudy your mind must be to see anything positive in her.... Lucky your daughter found you'd forgot to mention the wedding, omg, who knows what pain would have followed.

There was one visit dad, and I soldered a board together and that was so much fun. I loved it. I wish he wanted to share that with me. Shit, I'd be so happy if he just wanted to see me (or was able to put his foot down and demand it if he actually wanted to see me). 

He's playing games with her regarding plans and getting better. Maybe he's turning into the cat (as he often makes reference to feeling like he's being tormented as if he was the mouse). Agreeing to vacations that will be way too much for him in the condition he's in. He is still resistant to the idea of therapy. She needs it. We all do. He knows the dogs get better care than he does, and he's even acknowledged that the best thing to be under the care of Terrible is a dog. Please note, at the time of this writing Dad has still not turned into a dog... things are still terrible.

Why do people stay with abusers? Why do people not advocate for themselves? This was the advice Rolando always gave me --> advocate for Renee. I never learned what I needed to advocate for because relationships I've seen have been so fucked up.  I am so thankful for Drew's patience. 

I didn't know there could be black sheep in an only child scenario. Found this tidbit about black sheep in the family. This is probably more relevant to biological mother trauma. But this Terrible trauma is so similar it is eerie. Why do people that shouldn't have kids have kids? Also, if she hated kids so much (the idea that a partner could love something other than only her), maybe she should have found a victim without children. 

How could a child with 2 parents that co-existed in the same space during the child's formative years while saying they loved it, feel so abandoned and unwanted? Mom was mean the whole time and dad just wandered off and hid in his computer room. He's got the same set up now. 

Childhood experiences shape our understanding of love and connection. For those who grew up feeling unworthy of parental affection, forming healthy adult relationships becomes a minefield. The fear of rejection looms large, a constant echo of childhood hurts waiting to be replayed.

Vulnerability terrifies those who’ve learned that showing their true self leads to disappointment or criticism. As a result, these individuals might keep potential partners at arm’s length, never fully letting their guard down.

Alternatively, they might cling too tightly, desperately seeking the validation they never received as children.

Either way, the path to genuine intimacy is fraught with obstacles rooted in their family of origin.

"Childhood experiences shape our understanding of love and connection. For those who grew up feeling unworthy of parental affection, forming healthy adult relationships becomes a minefield. The fear of rejection looms large, a constant echo of childhood hurts waiting to be replayed.

Vulnerability terrifies those who’ve learned that showing their true self leads to disappointment or criticism. As a result, these individuals might keep potential partners at arm’s length, never fully letting their guard down.

Alternatively, they might cling too tightly, desperately seeking the validation they never received as children.

Either way, the path to genuine intimacy is fraught with obstacles rooted in their family of origin."