My Mycelium Journey

 Low Self-Esteem Adults who were yelled at as children often struggle with low self-esteem. Constant criticism can erode a child’s confidence, leaving them feeling inadequate or unworthy. This insecurity may carry over into adulthood, where they constantly question their abilities and value. Anxiety Being yelled at frequently creates an environment of tension and fear. As adults, these individuals often develop chronic anxiety, feeling constantly on edge or worried about making mistakes, even in situations that don't warrant such stress. Trouble trusting others When children are yelled at, they learn to fear and distrust the people who are supposed to protect and support them. This lack of trust can persist into adulthood, making it difficult to form close, healthy relationships. People-Pleasing Tendencies Adults who grew up with frequent yelling often become people-pleasers. To avoid conflict, they may go out of their way to make others happy, even at the expense of their own need...

Transitions can be challenging. What do I even mean, transition? Moving from one thing to another. Maybe something as simple as getting home from work but getting stuck in the car before you go inside. Maybe driving around the block a few extra times before you're able to actually get to the event that is so exciting it got you out of the house in the first place. Hopefully, you didn't get so overwhelmed you skipped entirely. The hardest part is showing up.  Going to a party is also a great example, showing up and leaving are both transitions here. Walking into a crowded room is daunting. So, I've always thought it was best to show up early before everyone else gets there. Introductions tend to be more one on one, which is much easier to do. Then the other aspect of the transition is leaving the party. Ugh. Almost as hard as showing up at all.  I don't want to be the first person there or the last to leave, but all too often the overthinking starts... hard to get there,...

"abusive malignant alcoholic narcissist piece of shit"  Couldn't have said it better myself... those weren't even my words.  I have friends that love me and don't want my family abused. Thankful for that.  I don't want her to be meaner, I'm scared to call APS. But I do worry about Dad.... Very sad call from Dad today.  He wants me there.  He wants to have Christmas together.  His last Christmas... seems reasonable.  Mentioned the empty room upstairs.  Hard to hear dad crying he wants to see me and the only thing keeping me from being there is a controlling monster that is full of hate he married. He remembered me saying I thought he was moving too fast...  Narcissistic love bombs can be misleading...  Told me to take the car when we come because she won't even let Chris take him for joy rides anymore. 

The only thing you can do in a country that doesn't prioritize Healthcare is to self medicate.  We are only getting sicker...

Issues that haters experience...   1. They’re drowning in their own insecurities. Hateful people often project their insecurities onto others because it’s easier than dealing with their own flaws. If they feel inadequate, they’ll tear someone else down to feel superior. Deep down, they’re terrified of being exposed for who they really are—a person who doesn’t feel good enough. Hate becomes their armor, but it’s a weak shield. 2. They can’t let go of past pain. Unresolved trauma can fester into bitterness and resentment, fueling a cycle of anger and hate. Instead of seeking healing, they cling to their pain as an identity. It’s like they’re trapped in the past, lashing out at the world for what happened to them. Forgiveness could set them free, but they refuse to embrace it. 3. They fear losing control over others. Hate is often a power play, a way for them to feel in control when their life feels chaotic. By intimidating or demeaning others, they create the illusion of dominance. B...

Hard to clot with low platelets 😳

  1. Issues are never resolved People learn to either avoid conflict (and never deal with it) or learn they must always win the conflict and live with the fear of losing. Neither "all or nothing" ways of conflict resolution are helpful. 2. The degree of control is abnormal An analysis of family relationships in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows how some degree of control is normal, like setting curfews, asking them to dress appropriately, setting rules about phone use, snacks or meal times, and so on. But in dysfunctional families, the parents go far beyond the norm. They may try to control every aspect of their kids' lives, limiting socialization with peers, setting unreasonable rules, and never allowing their kids to have a voice in the home. Their kids will struggle to become independent adults. They may have a range of issues in adulthood, from poor attachment styles to profound self-doubt and problems with authority. — Gloria Brame, Ph.D., Therap...

Somethings are outside of my control, but I am still able to see and focus on so many wonderful things that I did get to share with my father. This post will likely be updated as I think of new things to add. No one is perfect, but if I could pick a Dad I'd still pick the one I got. If we could go around again, I think we'd both probably change some things. But my love for him wouldn't change a bit and it hasn't. I can't believe you could teach me how to ride a bike. It's even more shocking that you could ride along with me and record a video of it at the same time. How is that even possible? My dad is a superhero. All those times cleaning the closet. You know, they say messy workspaces are a sign of intelligence. I guess it depends on who you ask. The internet will tell you anything you want to hear, so just keep looking. I had so much fun in that closet with him. My aptitude for accumulating clutter is unsurpassed. We played in there for hours. Well, Dad was e...

I am upset with all that is going on, I think it speaks to how much I love him. Hard to overlook all the hate from one source that is keeping us apart at this time. He's got a point; it is so miserable being unwanted there and that's not going to change, unfortunately.  You really want the best for the people you love. You assume things will work out and that they are making the best decisions for themselves. Maybe it's my fault for not saying something sooner. I knew at the time jumping into something that fast after a mentally ill wife for 28 years might not be optimal. No therapy, No time to reconnect to inner self and redefine values or boundaries. Starting from a compromise is always more challenging. I don't know of any others that he dated. He mentioned a couple dates... but never serious enough to meet? no second date? Dating is hard, rejection sensitives pop up and they can be ugly. those inner dialogues that seek and destroy.  Maybe that would have been a good...

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It was hard to hear "enjoy your family" from Dad on Thanksgiving day. I'm not wanted where he is at, so any sort of last holiday is forbidden by Terrible. I am not welcome for Dad's last Christmas. I'm not even allowed in the house (only the basement to pick up dad's "junk") next time we go. We did get authorization to use one particular bathroom, there isn't one in the garage, so gotta get bit by dogs getting to that one bathroom... She says I'm greedy but she's the one taking all of dad's time. Whatever she can do to make it harder for me, she'll do it!  I can't think of anything more selfish or cruel. That was my thanksgiving... Trying not to cry at the beach and ruin it for my real family (the family that can tolerate my existence). I am thankful for them.  Today dad mentioned that the lady he is giving his water controller panel patent to is coming to visit. This is a total stranger. I'm not wanted there, but some ran...