Happy Thanksgiving!

 We arrived at the beach for Thanksgiving holiday Sunday evening. 

Dad brought up the car again.... on picking up the "junk" in the basement. my gifts from father must be picked up before March 31st or everything is auctioned. I thought he wanted me to have these things. I had a truck ready when we were there last and he said don't take. We spent hours packing up that game for Didn't get deposit back and now I'm getting shit on for not planning enough. It is 100% impossible do to anything that is right enough for terrible. I guess I have to make another trip to get the car later. This is supposed to be after he's gone. I really don't want to come all the way back just to get the car. It's not like I get to visit or see dad. Even for the pinball pickup, he has to get down to the basement if he wants to see us because that is the only space we are authorized. It's not like these trips are easy. We aren't even allowed into the house (except for the 1 toilet we are going to be allowed to use if we are willing to risk being attacked by dogs in the house).

Back to the car... I spent about 4 hours recently writing a really long thoughtful apology. Maybe it could have been something from dad, maybe he was upset about this and it wasn't only terrible trying to get her way, I thought. maybe that did upset him and he just needed Terrible to help him find his voice to speak up and help make progress. but I already apologized. Why would this be coming up again, I just sent that apology a month ago? He read it, received it, I though I'd been forgiven (again. it never fucking ends) Nothing is ever forgiven. I guess the brain rot of terrible's mindset is leaking in. Ther is no forgiveness only hate. Hate in the house on the hill.

So the car has a lot of meaning. The car also represents when Terrible started trying to remove me from the family. This was in the beginning of their relationship. The car represented me and the space I took in dad's life. She couldn't wait to get rid of this. Dad never mentioned this as a problem until terrible wanted to put horses back there. After her hissy fits to move the car were not met with her timeline in mind, they dropped the car off where I was staying. It was in an HOA that wouldn't allow it. They did not take it to my house where it would have been fine, they opted to take it to my bf's house where it was not ok. they did not say they were coming, they did not ask where to put it, and there was no mention that this was going to get delivered. Just showed up. Big problem, had to give the car away to get rid of it. cried for weeks. Didn't talk to dad for 6 months. This was deeply hurtful for me. Everything this horrible person has ever done is just to hurt others or make people feel bad. 

...but Dad hated horses. This was one of the things he was so excited for, when he finally was able to leave mom he got out of the horse stuff. He hated having horses and didn't even want dogs. Having that car on the property would have saved him from having the horses. Did he really want the horses more than the car out there? If only he'd been more observant on warning signs and red flags (LISTEN TO MESSAGES) he might have had a happy life and gotten to have a relationship with his daughter. But no. He gets horses he has to take care of and a wife that hates him. yay, just like the first miserable marriage. 

Dad called when I was at HEB, right as we got to the island... trying to walk around and not cry (ha!), not like i get to call back. We can't really talk when terrible is home. He was upset that I felt he'd taken a side. He only had a few minutes to talk. Terrible would be home soon. He wanted to clarify that he's never taken sides and that he loves me so much. He was upset, but not enough to put his foot down and tell terrible to "just fucking be human, it's my daughter." I am not welcome at his house and I haven't been welcomed in his house since terrible took over (car removed).  It really is hard to see this as not taking sides, but he sees himself as a victim of abuse so maybe that is how he is absolved? He told me not to make excuses. This certainly seems like one. terrible still yells at him and get angry at him for not doing chores. Dad already feels bad for not doing enough around the house, feels like a lump in a chair. she doesn't make him feel better about this. Just gets angry drunk at night, just like the night before (She's been drunk since before 2007, but started getting crazy mean in 2009). Why don't you need excuses for this?   She can't take care of herself. Dad was doing everything. At least maybe people will feel sorry for her? Bring her some wine and shower her with attention... but she's so mean, there's no way those sympathies will be sustained. They won't give her the right attention. maybe they'll wear the wrong thing, Not bring the right dish to the potluck, prioritize a memorial over a funeral. 

I am not sure how to interpret this so that it doesn't feel like he chose her over me. I'm not welcome at his house, how the fuck is that not a god damn side? He won't even stand up to this horrible, terrible person while he is on his death bed. He fears her, he is still in trouble. He's not doing his chores, and terrible is having to take up all the slack. She's having to take care of herself, her horses, and even dad! She wanted all this shit and no help. No man is an island, except for terrible. 

And the terror when that gate bell goes off. It's just like the feeling of panic I would get around mom. When I'd see her "Unknown" caller ID on my phone and wouldn't answer it. Did he enable this monster or was she always this bad. There we so many flags even in the beginning, so many warnings.  3 ex-husbands, 4 giant aggressive dogs and a raging drinking problem? This is why you date online.... 

Another fun tidbit dad brought up on the phone saying how some of terribles' hurt feelings are valid... the example was an event of her's that i went to and I wore the wrong thing. He said some polly anna outfit but I have no idea what it was. Terrible likes polly anna, so was a little confused on why that was such an atrocity. I'm not sure how the fact that I went out of my way to go to some shitty event to support her was overlooked and the entirety of the focus was on something that I'm wearing. Please note --> a dress code was not mentioned before I showed up (or when I got there). Not the normal "Thanks for supporting me at my event", but the sadistic "T hate you for eternity and i'll greedily keep your father from you while he's dying because you wore a dumb outfit". 

As soon as the gate went off, Dad panicked and had to hang up. yea, no favoritism there. I guess fearing your warden isn't ideal, but he says he loves this person who torments him so much. I never would have thought Stockholm syndrome would have been a real thing. 

I am so lucky to have the love and support from a real family. What are holidays supposed to even be like? How do families act when they don't hate you? I'm not even hated this much by teenagers. I am so thankful that I didn't wind up in a relationship as bad as either of Dads. Some people just shouldn't have kids. At least Terrible didn't have babies to torture, just my Dad (and those lucky ex-husbands that were able to escape with their lives). She's worried about losing her friends. I'm not sure why, she hates them all. They drink all her wine and don't even do enough for her. Dad knows not to give the friends too much attention or Terrible will go full on rage mode. Attention is only to be for Terrible. And if you get good attention or attention that implies you might have done something better than her... look out. Those crochet Picc line hoodies I spent hours crocheting for dad into the wee hours of the morning so that he could be comfortable (I'm not kidding, it was 6 hours a hoodie and my hands hurt for days) trash. I bet she had fun throwing those out. somehow the fountain lost it's ball too. "Must have got lost, I assure you it wasn't lost on purpose". sure, why wouldn't I believe that... 

Dad said she was blaming him and his bad attitude for why her b-day party wasn't going as intended yesterday. Nothing ever does... 

She's Terrible! Maybe it should be part of the theme song for the series. 

None of dad's dying is about dad. It's all about Terrible. Her schedules for friends she wants to see and on what days to get drunk with who. I think dad might like to see me if he got to pick. but he doesn't get any choice here either. Obviously, he hasn't picked favorites.