My Mycelium Journey

Lack of action is a decision. Control issues Pissed he bought car with his money  Pissed he went on vacation with his daughter (she was invited) Was upset about something I wore to her event, not thankful i showed up at all (why the fuck did i go?!) Has 3 ex-husbands SHE DIDN'T WANT KIDS - ESPECIALLY YOUR KID! Dad hate horses, she got horses. didn't want to have dogs, she trains her dogs to be aggressive and wants large dogs Is unable to play games, because her sisters would win at games when she was a young child. Dad's life and main hobby is pinball. that is technically a game. She hates pinball.  is unable to enjoy anything if it isn't about her I'm not sure she enjoys anything. quite miserable to be around She can't figure out how to work a TV remote  hates so much. It's not just me! Friends drink too much of her wine and don't share, sometimes the topics aren't centered around terrible enough, etc. Alcoholic Mean Demands help and immediate atten...

 We arrived at the beach for Thanksgiving holiday Sunday evening.  Dad brought up the car again.... on picking up the "junk" in the basement. my gifts from father must be picked up before March 31st or everything is auctioned. I thought he wanted me to have these things. I had a truck ready when we were there last and he said don't take. We spent hours packing up that game for Didn't get deposit back and now I'm getting shit on for not planning enough. It is 100% impossible do to anything that is right enough for terrible. I guess I have to make another trip to get the car later. This is supposed to be after he's gone. I really don't want to come all the way back just to get the car. It's not like I get to visit or see dad. Even for the pinball pickup, he has to get down to the basement if he wants to see us because that is the only space we are authorized. It's not like these trips are easy. We aren't even allowed into the house (except for th...

Ethical dying reform needs to be expedited.  It's ridiculous what we are expected to go thru here.  I can spare my dog from suffering but not myself (when dying of cancer,  as an example)... How is that ok?  How many more times is Dad going to say he wants to get out of here quickly?   I'm not a welcome visitor,  unfortunately.  I do very much appreciate the recent time with him and extra chatting.  Lucky in so many ways to have these memories despite missing so many years and being denied at this time.  I made him a bracelet,  it says "Joy loves Clayton". He's changed my name on email so that there's less hate associated to it.  Dissociation at its finest.  She's poisoning the idea of me in my father.  Terrible. I can't think of anything that would hurt worse.  Not sure I'll be able to give him the bracelet,  terrible would be so upset if it got any positive accolades. (Crochet picc sweaters in hospital, ha...

The difference between "hurt" and "truth" is 1 additional "T".

Ads are so fucked up. There's never been anything more uncomfortable than "home". Why do I ever "want to go home"? Why do Alzheimer's patients always want to go home? 

Establishing and asserting boundaries can be challenging, especially if you’re not used to doing so. Here are some steps to help you start setting and asserting your boundaries: Steps to Start Asserting Boundaries: Self-Reflection: Take time to understand your feelings, needs, and limits. Journaling can help clarify what your boundaries are and why they matter to you. Identify Your Boundaries : Determine which areas of your life need boundaries. This could include emotional, physical, time-related, or material boundaries. Communicate Clearly: Once you identify your boundaries, communicate them clearly and assertively. Use “I” statements to express your needs (e.g., “I need some time alone to recharge”). Practice Assertiveness: Start small by asserting boundaries in low-stakes situations to build your confidence. Gradually work your way up to more significant boundaries. Stay Consistent: Consistency is key. If you set a boundary, stick to it. This reinforces your commitment to maint...

I remember a time when I was 7; I don't remember much from childhood, but this memory stands out. I was laying down on the bottom bunk bed in my room where I grew up. I was talking with dad, I don't remember what about, but I remember being upset and saying, "I hate myself; I wish I didn't exist!" Mom overheard this and went and got a serrated knife from the kitchen and handed it to me. I can still see the knife. Wooden handle, blade was about 5 inches. A steak knife.  At this point I was pretty young, and I don't think I fully understood what to do with the knife. Mom didn't show me what to do or how to use it. I think I knew it was something with wrists, I considered stabbing myself with it but inevitably wussed-out. That's not something you do in front of other people, or I didn't feel right at the time. But I kind of wish I had tried. What would she have done? If I did well, how would she have explained this at the hospital? If I'd tried a ...

 more relevant than ever...  Actions speak louder than words.  Reference: "I love you" does not sound the same as "Please don't come visit me when I'm dying, I don't want to deal with the drama." "I'll try to be dead before you come to pick up the stuff (if you don't get the stuff before March 31, selling it)".  You made your bed, now lie in it.  Reference: Sorry, Dad. This one sucks, you enabled this for 20 years and made it worse. Treat others how you want to be treated.  Reference: Home for the holidays. No Man is an Island. Reference: All the times I offered to help that she wouldn't accept. She's going mental trying to keep up with all the things dad was taking care of for her.  There's no place like home. Reference: House of hate. Familiarity breeds contempt. Reference: Dad living the dream.

Joy sat on her bed, staring out the window at the snow gently falling outside. It was Christmas Eve, and the world looked like a winter wonderland, but inside her heart, there was only a heavy fog of sadness. It had been nearly two decades since her father, Clayton, had married Joni and moved far away. In that time, their once-close bond had grown distant, frayed by Joni’s coldness and the miles that separated them. As a child, Joy had adored her father. Clayton was her hero, always there to share stories, teach her to ride a bike, and show her how to build things with his own hands. But when Joni entered the picture, everything changed. She had a sharp tongue and a cold demeanor, and it quickly became clear that she did not want Joy in their lives. Clayton, caught in a web of love and obligation, moved away and allowed Joni to dictate the terms of their relationship. Joy longed for her father, but every attempt to reach out was met with Joni’s icy disapproval. “You’re where you need t...

Maybe it's a good thing Drew didn't have to meet mom.  There's plenty of drama just with Dad,  ironic that.  Failed boundary established from conflict avoidance has led to,  as much, if not more drama.   I don't even know how to feel.  Thankful for Drew. Everything hurts.  And now we're in a rush to plan things for the after that hasn't happened.   Dates and times must be pre-approved by the sadist. this is going to be fun.  Life on #hardmode

It really is hard to keep things in perspective.  I don't understand. Heart hurts, am I breaking?  Update 11/22/2024: now I have to be there before March 31st or Dad's legacy pinball collection gets auctioned off.  such sad. 

 Oh yea... Terrible. Dad dying, worried about his stuff getting where he wants it to go.  So I'm not really sure why, but Dad keeps insisting that we need better plans for picking up pinball games after he is gone. I'm not sure why he feels like he needs to worry so much about this when he should be enjoying his last bit of time here. I have a feeling that it's not actually him that is all that concerned.  Drew asked him if we should plan another visit which was quickly met with a "NO, everyone is where they need to be". This hurt. It hurts to know that your dying father doesn't want to see you because he married such a sadist that you aren't allowed to exist without conflict. If you loved something, wouldn't you want to see it?  If someone really loved you, wouldn't they tolerate your children for you during your period of last wishes? Why would anyone do such horrible things only to hurt others? Even with such distance between us she's still ...

I think we need more abortions, not less.... I can think of a few that might have been helpful to society as a whole. Bummer about the election.  At least we'll be rich when we get sick and die without proper health coverage.  We'll have more money to go to probate when we do die, I guess...  Why are babies given such priority? Babies are so worthless. They grow up to be parasites just like the rest of us. Miserable mean people seem to live forever.

Devout agnostic, but I found this article to be quite interesting!   https://www.benjaminlcorey.com/could-american-evangelicals-spot-the-antichrist-heres-the-biblical-predictions/